


Covered In Fucking Spoof

by Malaayna



Series: Queer Bremin 4 ftw! [2]
Category: Nowhere Boys (TV)
Genre: Aromantic Character, Aussie Slang, Australian Slang, Bigender Character, Bisexual Character, Cause they wouldn't be aussies if they didn't swear, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Fuckloads of swearing, How.does.tags.lol, It's pretty vanilla tho, M/M, Oneshot, Queer Themes, Smut...kinda?, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Wow, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-31 23:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10909335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malaayna/pseuds/Malaayna
Summary: Felix and Sam's POV of 'Straight People Are Just  Something Adults Make Up'





	Covered In Fucking Spoof

**Author's Note:**

> I can't be bothered researching and keeping the events canon 100% so I'll probably just be making shit up as I go lol  
> Non beta-ed so all mistakes are mine

**~first night in the shack~**

** FELIX POV **

They're gunna fucking kill me when they find out.

I don't know what went wrong.

I mean, Oscar is walking, which is fucking ace.

But it's like us four never existed.

Which really sucks. 

Cause, like, a nice warm bed would be fucking nice right about now.

I wish I'd brung warmer clothes.

**~next morning~**

**FELIX POV**

It takes me a while to work out where I am.

We all went to sleep last night separately, cause we're  ** _men._** Urgh. That no-homo shit is so fucking ridiculous. 

But, at this moment, I'm currently spooning Sam, who has a vicegrip on my arm.

He's so warm.

But he'd probably freak out if he knew he was cuddling me.

So I try to pull away and roll over.

But he just holds on tighter and I hear him mumble, "Don' you f'kin' dare. 't's too fuckin' cold. "

Apparently he's not as asleep as I thought he was.

"You're not gunna pull that  _ **no-homo**_ jock crap?" I whisper, confused.

He snorts and huffs a little laugh, "Yes homo. All the homo," he says sleepily.

**SAM POV**

That shocks a surprised laugh out of Felix. "What about Mia?" he asks.

I shift onto my back and look at him, "She's dating Ellen," I roll my eyes, "you know that."

Felix scoffs, "Well yeah," he still has an arm draped over my waist, "but I thought she was still dating you too."

It's so fucking cold. I snuggle closer to Felix, "Nah, that's just to keep her homophobic parents off her arse."

"Oh, of course," he replies, shifting closer before quickly pulling back to look at me, "wait. Are you even straight?"

He  doesn't sound disgusted, just curious. So I 'spose I might as well dive right in.

"Nah," I roll my eyes, "I'm bi. And aromantic." I pause, "but most people don't get that one," I add as an aside.

**FELIX POV**

No. Fucking. Way. Another one!

"No way!" I hiss, "I'm aro too!"

Sam's face splits into a beaming smile, "Seriously?" He asks, "Awesome!"

He looks like he's about to say more when his stomach growls loudly.

He blushes lightly, "Do you think we'll find real food today?" He asks as he gets up.

"Dunno," I reply, standing, "Maybe?"

**~that night~**

**SAM POV**

We have toast! Well, bread that we toasted over the fire. And vegemite. And honey!

After only having Andy's power bars for three days, this feels like a fucking gourmet restaurant. 

I still cant believe Felix thought I was straight.

I've been flirting with him for, like, four bloody months now!

Fuck me sideways!

I'm gunna have to up my game.

**FELIX POV**

I swear if Sam smiles any wider he's gunna dislocate his jaw.

Toast and vegemite.

Easy to please that one.

'Though I 'spose we're all a bit keen for actual real food. There's only so many spacefood sticks you can eat in a row before you wanna murder that little spaceman on the wrapper. I used to fucking love those things. Now I'd be happy if I never had to taste one ever again. 

And fucking apricot and yoghurt muesli bars!

Disgusting little cunts.

Though I 'spose they were better than starving.

Oh my fucking God! I'm sitting right next to the fucking fire! How the everloving fuck am I still cold!?

**SAM POV**

Jake and Andy are so fucking oblivious. Or, well, Jake is anyway. Like, how can he not see the way Andy keeps looking at him? Like the sun shines out his arse for fucks sake!

Hmmm, Felix keeps looking at me.  And he's shivering like crazy. Even with the fire roaring.

Fuck it. He can always tell me to fuck off. 

**FELIX POV**

Andy and Jake are attached at the friggin hip. 'Though it is pretty fucking cold. I wrap my jumper tighter around myself. Wonder if Sam would be averse to spooning again tonight.

 Ah, speak of the devil. He's sitting down next to me.

Quite close, I'd like to add.

God he's like a fucking furnace. 

Who needs a hot water bottle when they have Sam. 

"Bit cold aye?" He grins, bumping his shoulder against mine.

"Just a bit," I answer, teeth chattering. 

**SAM POV**

Felix scowls at himself. It's pretty cute actually.

"Okay, maybe a little more than I initially thought," he says.

"Here, let me warm you up," I say, wrapping an arm around his waist.

He stiffens slightly, glancing at Jake and Andy. As if he's worried what they'll think of us. When he sees them practically sitting on top of each other he relaxes into me, throwing an arm over my shoulders.

**~later that night~**

**FELIX POV**

Jake's inside asleep. Dead to the world. Andy's getting up to go to sleep now too. It's just me and Sam left outside.

My arm around his shoulder, his hand still on my hip. Except, now his fingers are stroking circles just above my jeans.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good.

"You do realise you're stroking my hip, right?" I whisper in his ear. Not quite sure why I'm whispering actually.

"Yeah I know," he whispers back, "Do you want me to stop?" He's still stroking my skin.

"I never said that," I reply, pressing myself flush against him.

I'm going to blame my boldness on the late hour and a full stomach.

He rests his head on my shoulder, nuzzling my neck.

"Can I kiss you?" He asks tentatively, looking up at me. 

"Yeah," I reply, looking down.

I can taste the vegemite on his tongue. It's interesting, I'll say that at least. It's not the worlds most amazing kiss, but it's nice. Comfortable. He knows what he's doing.

We keep kissing like that for a while. Slow and leisurely. We end up facing each other, straddling the log. His hands are in my hair.

Just as I get my hands under his shirt he yawns. A big, blue-whale-esque, yawn. He laughs a little, "Wow, that's romantic," and rolls his eyes, fingers still threaded together at the base of my neck.

"We can continue this in the morning?" I say it like a question.

"Yeah that'd be nice," he says shyly.

We kick some sand on the fire and go back inside the shack. Andy is practically on top of Jake, both fast asleep. I see they've finally sorted their shit out.  **[A/N- they actually haven't yet, but Felix and Sam don't know that yet]**

Sam drags me over to his sleeping bag by the hand.

Suddenly hesitant, he looks at me, "Is this okay?" He asks quietly. 

"Yeah," I reply, sitting on the makeshift bed, and roll onto my back. Sam grins and climbs into my open arms. 

**~next morning~**

**SAM POV**

I wake up slowly, to a face full of hair. After a few moments I realise I'm spooning Felix. Wait. Isn't it called jetpacking when the shorter person is the big spoon? Fuck it's too early for thinking.

I brush Felix's hair to the side and nuzzle into his neck, mouthing the skin up to just behind his ear.

Skin has no right to taste this good.

He's waking up.

"Good morning," I whisper in his ear.

"Morn'n," he whispers, well, growls really, grinding his arse back against my morning wood.

Oh God. 

He's fucking snickering. The little shit. I'll show him. 

**FELIX POV**

Oh fuck. He's biting my neck. I'm gunna have to.....

"Uuuaaaggggh."

I wince. That moan was embarrassingly high.

I open my eyes to make sure my fucking _squeal_ didn't wake Jake and Andy. I see Andy sneaking out the door. Shit. My face is burning up. 

Jake's still fast asleep.

And Sam's still sucking a line up my neck. His hand is also getting dangerously close to my binder.  **[A/N- Felix is very naughty a should NOT be wearing his binder at night. Naughty naughty.]**

Fuck. I'm gunna have to pull him aside later.

Jake shifts again, eyes blinking blearily.

"Oi," I whisper and turn towards Sam, "Jake's waking up."

"Urgh, fuckin' cockblocked," Sam groans lightheartedly. Smirking, he kisses me on the cheek, "time to get up then I 'spose."

**[A/N- neither Sam or Felix remember the scene where Felix sleep-mauls Jake's neck. So I won't be writing their POV for it.]**

**~(middle of) next night~**

**SAM POV**

Something's wrong. Felix doesn't seem to want to properly make-out. Like, I'm not gunna force him or any shit like that. But it's like he's scared or something.  He said he wants to talk in the morning. He's still okay with cuddling, so at least I have that. He's surprisingly cuddly for someone so lanky. 

But that's not why I'm awake at this fucking ungodly hour.

No, the reason I'm awake right now is because Jake and Andy don't know how to fucking whisper. 

Like, I can hear. Every. Fucking. Word.

So, apparently I was wrong about them already being together. 

From what I can tell, Jake is freaking out because he just woke up humping Andy's leg. Andy's pretty nonchalant about it all.

Ok. Wow. Who knew Jake's voice could even go that high?

Ah, this is starting to sound a little too pornographic for eavesdropping.

I shouldn't be listening to this, it's too personal.

I'm just gunna try to go back to sleep.

  **~next morning~**

**FELIX POV**

I wake up to Sam propped up on his elbow, stroking my hair as he looks down at me.

"Morning," he smirks, leaning down to kiss me.

"G'morn'n," I reply when he pulls back.

I sit up. Okay. I promised I'd talk to him this morning, so I better start before I chicken out.

I go to speak just as Jake shifts in his sleep.

Fuck.

I need somewhere more private.

I grab Sam's hand and stand up, bringing my finger to my lips and shush him as I pull him outside and around the back of the shack.

"Okay, um, I..." I begin, letting go of his hand in favour of gesturing with my own.

"Um, what I wanted to talk about was...um..." I lean against the wall and slide down to sit, crossing my legs. Sam sits beside me. 

This is heaps harder than I thought it would be. 

"Okay, um....You've lived in Bremin for, what? Four years now?" I start.

"Yeah," he replies, "that's when my family moved here."  **[A/N- I headcanon that Sam's Mum had an art project/job in Bremin and they ended up falling in love with the place and stayed.]**

He gestures for me to continue.

"Okay, um, so what you might not know is, about five years ago I came out to my parents. And, um, I changed my name and..."

"If this is about you being trans," Sam interrupts, "I already know dude." He finishes, smiling gently.

**SAM POV**

"What!?" Felix exclaims, "How!?"

"Some of the guys in the footy team were talking shit when I first moved here," I explained, "I think they were trying to bond or some bullshit. I told them to go fuck 'emselves, heh."

"Really?" He asks, giving me a small nervous smile.

"Yeah, like," I begin, "I don't care what you think of someone. You don't misgender anyone. Ever. Like..."

I'm interrupted by Felix grabbing me by the shirt and mashing our mouths together. 

"Oh shit, sorry..." he pulls back a little, "That must've hurt. It's just," he rests his forehead against mine, fingers stroking the back of my neck, "I don't meet many cis who'll just stand up for a trans person they hardly know. Especially when that person isn't even there."

"Well," I start, climbing into his lap, "firstly, I'm Bigender." I grin, "Secondly, my Aunty Liz started transitioning when I was a kid. And I saw how getting misgendered affected her. So, yeah..." I thread my fingers loosely in his hair, his hands dropping to my waist.

**FELIX POV**

"So, what am I allowed to touch?" He asks with a soft smile, nudging my nose with his.

God. I've hit the fucking jackpot with this one.

"Um," I pause to think, pecking his lips, "pro'ly just keep clear of the tits," I say bluntly.

He snorts, "Noted. Anything else?" He asks, stroking my hair.

"Don't say the word  _pussy_ ," I shudder, "It's just so fucking cringy. Just say vagina and vulva and all that. I mean, you can say  _dick_ when you're talking about the clit I guess. But, like, I know I've got more holes than I'm s'posed to," I shrug my shoulders.

"You sure?" He asks carefully, our foreheads still pressed together. 

"Yeah," I reply, "like, I know what I've got between my legs. I might not like it, but it's still there, and I know how to use what I got." I look into his eyes, "you still wanna...?"

I'd be embarrassed about being so open if I was talking to anyone else. But Sam has this, stupid, puppy face that just shows his every emotion. Like, it's so open, and dopey, and fucking cute. You can't help but feel safe around him.

**SAM POV**

"Yes." I declare with force, "Definitely. " He looks so scared. Like anything I say could snap him in half.

"Dude," I start, leaning back a little to look him in the eye, "I've had a crush on you for, like, six months, or bloody near enough. And I've known you were trans for fuckin' three years or some shit."

He looks surprised.

"I'm up for doing anything you wanna do," I add, brushing his hair behind his ear.

Felix watches me lick my lips, "Now, are we gunna make out? Or am I just sitting in your lap for no reason?" I tease, shifting myself in his lap.

He grins wolfishly. Like, damn. That's some A-grade wet dream material right there. And then leans up to capture my lips in a searing kiss.

My hands shoot back up into his hair, where my fingers tangle in tight.

He moans, well, a deep groan really. I tug on his hair again, experimentally, and he groans louder. 

Hmmm, that's something to remember. 

His lips move down my jaw and neck, hands sliding down to grip my arse. My head falls back as he kneads the skin through my jeans, teeth scraping down my neck.

**FELIX POV**

Sam's hands tighten in my hair as my teeth graze his collarbone.

God that feels good.

He's grinding himself against my legs, which, although seriously hot, isn't really doing much in the way of friction for me.

I pop the button of my jeans and shove my right hand down my jocks and start rubbing. I'm still a little dry so I wet my fingers with my tongue and dive back in.

Ah that's it. My head smacks back to rest against the wall.

Sam leans forward, head resting against my shoulder, one hand still tight in my hair, the other stroking himself through his jeans as he watches my hand.

"Fuck that's hot," he half moans, as he struggles to open his jeans.

He makes a triumphant sound when he gets his fly open. I plunge the hand I still had gripping his arse down the back of his pants as he pulls his stiffy out. His bum is fuzzy, but quite toned, the cheek feeling perfect in my hand as I squeeze. And the choked off moan he stifles against my neck is like music.

"Oh God, Felix," he's finally found his voice again. I thought I'd broken him.

"You're so fucking hot. I want,  _oh_ , I want you to,  _ugghh fuck me_ ," he's sucking my neck, just under my ear, ghosting breath making me shiver, "wanna,  _uhhh_ , wanna fuckin' ride you and,  _oh fuck_ , wanna,  _oh fuck **Felix**_ ," he practically purrs my name.

And that's me done. I'm cumming. One hand down the front of my pants, the other down the back of his, as Sam sucks a hickie into my neck. I let out a high pitched whine as I'm coming down from my high. 

He's close. I can tell. His grinding is getting more erratic and he's reverted back to moans and gasps.

I pull my hand out of my pants and shove it down the back of his to join the other. I latch onto his neck as I pull him closer to me. 

Both his hands are in my hair now as I use my hands to grind him against me, his dick trapped between us.

" _Ohh fuck_ , Felix,  _fuck_ , I'm,  _ahhh...._ " his voice just keeps getting higher and higher. 

I brush against his hole with one finger, my other hand moving up to hold his shoulders against me. He stills as I bite down on his shoulder.

He's relaxing as he twitches through his orgasm, fingers loosening their grip on my hair.

We didn't think this through. I'm gunna have to clean my fucking binder now. 

It's covered in fucking spoof.

Sam nuzzles against my neck, "You're fucking incredible Felix," he says sleepily. Okay. Nevermind. This was all totally worth it. Just to see that blissed-out look on his face. 

"It was pretty good," I add, hands stroking up and down his sides, "but we gotta get up now."

"Ohhhh," he whinges, grinning, "but you're soooo comfy," he makes a show of sprawling over me.

I laugh, "yeah, but my legs are fucking dead," I push him up.

We stand up, "And I gotta clean my shirt and binder, 'cause  _someone_ got cum all over them."

I indicate showily at my shirt, grinning. It's actually not that bad, but I dont really feel like smelling like someone else's cum.

"Shit, sorry," he says sheepishly. "Um, binder?" He adds, confused look on his face.

"Ah, the thing that keeps my tits flat," I explain, lifting my shirt to show him the item in question.

"Oh, cool," he sounds appeased with my answer, "I could use a swim myself."

Shit. Dysphoria alarm bells ringing and red lights flashing.

"Ah, um, I didn't actually mean..." I begin.

"Relax," he interrupts, tucking his softie back in, "you can keep your binder on, and then wear my shirt while it and your shirt are drying."

Fucking jackpot. Seriously. 

"I 'spose that doesn't sound too bad," I tease, grinning, "but seriously, thanks. Like, I'm starting to stink a little, and it'd be nice to be clean again," I sound a little sheepish.

**SAM POV**

"No worries," I look up at him, "I know you'd do the same for me."

I grin, "Now, what do'ya say we go scandalize poor Jake some more."

Felix looks confused as I tousle his hair up as much as I can.

"I heard him walk in on us a little while ago," I smirk, "and he ran 'round the front of the shack. He's a bit of a prude, so this should be fun."

Not to mention Andy before even that.

That shocks a laugh out of Felix. 

"You're terrible Muriel," he says with a put-on strine, as he messes up my shirt.

**FELIX POV**

Fuck. Andy wasn't supposed to be sitting with Jake. 

Fuck. "Ah....there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this..." I start, gesturing to mine and Sam's disheveled state.

But Sam just  _ **had**_ to interrupt.

"Yeah. Felix is a fucking awesome kisser!" He exclaims with a giant grin on his face, finishing his outburst with a double thumbs-up.

What a fucking dork.

I drop my head into my hands, fighting the hysterical laughter threatening to bubble to the surface. 

Andy's absolutely pissing himself. And from what I can see, Jake is bright red as he throws something at Sam. 

Sam just beams as he wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me close. 

What. A. Fucking. Dork.

**~that night~**

**[A/N- there's really no reason to rewrite the convo between Sam and Jake from Sam's POV, so I'm just not gunna do it lol]**

**FELIX POV**

"Jesus. Fucking. Christ." Sam mutters as he sits beside me. The fire practically blocks our view of Jake and Andy. 

"Oi watch ya fuckin' language," I joke, wrapping my arm over his shoulder.

"Oh shut-up," he retorts, smiling, "Jake is only just now realising he's not straight."

"Seriously?" I ask, surprised.

He looks at his hands as he shakes his head, "Like, what the actual fuck?!" He looks at me, "Like, the actual number of guys I've caught him checking out since I met him? Fucking hell!"

I can't help it, I start laughing.

He's so  _annoyed_ at Jake.  It's fucking hilarious. 

"He's as observant as a pile of dirt!" Sam exclaims as he crosses his arms and pouts. 

I fucking lose it. I'm cackling so hard I fall off the log.

Andy's laughing too, but I think at something else.

I finally get my giggling under control as I stand up. "I'm gunna go and grab the bread. You coming?" I ask, gesturing towards the shack with my thumb.

Sam looks me up and down, smirk on his lips.

"Definitely," he says devilishly. 

God, what have I gotten myself in for?

**Author's Note:**

> So, second part of this series.  
> Woohoo.  
> I'd like to point out that I had no plans for Felix to be trans, he just decided that I should know.  
> Also, the way Felix talks about his genitals/secondary sex characteristics is how I talk about mine (I'm genderfluid/transmasculine). Sorry if it's triggering to anyone.  
> I would like to put here that you should NOT wear your binder when you're asleep. Just fyi.  
> I also didn't plan to write their making-out session in full. Or for Sam to talk dirty lol.  
> But it just kinda fell out of my head and onto the paper that way lol.  
> I'm hoping to eventually do a sequel to these 2 fics. With the 4 boys set after 'The Book of Shadows' movie.  
> I have some ideas for it, but whether it'll actually happen or not is a whole 'nother kettle o' fish.
> 
> So yeah, hope you all enjoyed this.  
> Comments and kudos, as always, are fucking awesome lol
> 
> Jaime xx


End file.
